I hate to see you like this. In pain, tired, discouraged. I know that it's temporary and that you'll be ok, but I feel helpless.

I'm feeling the limitations of my status. Of being 'just' your girlfriend.

 I know that what you want is to hold me close. That you need quiet and tenderness, and touch and warmth. But there's only so much of that I can give before shades of grey begin to set in. At what point is physical affection too much? I know we are allready much different than most because we're choosing not to kiss yet, but at what point do innocent hugs begin to cause the same problems kissing would. I'm afraid to be too tender with you. Afraid I'll give to much of my heart away at your touch. But it hurts me to see you like this, so sick, when you can't talk (so don't need words) and can't laugh (so don't need cheering up) and allthough I know you appreciate my prayer, you need more.

And I know that what you feel like you need is to have me lay beside you and brush the hair away from your face, to kiss your cheek and stay wrapped in your arms until you drift off to sleep. To whisper "I love you" in your ear while you dream and let the soft pressure of my body against yours communicate with yours, whispering:

peace

safety

stability

warmth

affection

commitment

But it is that last one that makes it so dangerous. It's not that I think anything inappropriate or taboo will happen if I curl up with you as you sleep, but it's a very vulnerable commitment-ensuring action. And intimacy is supposed to be equal to or less than the level of commitment.

That's pretty intimate.

We're still pretty new.

So here I am, less than 10 feet away from you while you try to sleep off the discomfort and pain and sickness, knowing that I can't give you the one thing you want most from me.

And knowing that you understand.  

I'm nervous today.

Ben and I are going to this Halloween party in Corvallis with some of his friends and... I have to admit, I just don't feel up to it.

I'm usually really social and such, and I thrive off of meeting new people in most circumstances, but this time is different--for several reasons. First of all, and possibly (honestly) the most significant, is that it's a costume party. I have never , once, in my life been to a costume party. I haven't worn a costume that wasn't for a stage performance since Jr. High. When I was a kid, I used to love costumes. I was a really creative and clever kid, so I always lvoed coming up with some outrageously witty costume that required an explanation. I loved the stumped look on someone's face. Like...being "The devil in a blue dress" and just wearing a blue dress and horns, and carrying a pitchfork. I thought I was so clever. lol. But I hit high school and Costume Parties beacme about something completely different. Suddenly the focus of a costume--as a girl--was to come up with the sexiest costume utilizing the least fabric, and it became a pin-up contest. I've always been the big girl (though in high school there were some less pleasant nicknames) and so that whole playboy bunny thing--where you wear your bikini from that summer but you put on ears and a cotton ball on your bum and call it a 'costume'--never really worked for me. And it only took one time going in a regular costume and seeing all of the Jessica Rabbits and Marilyn Monroes, and  seeing everyone roll their eyes and point at my costume... it only took once to deflate my confidence in costume parties. Because it's not about going and having fun and playing a role, like it was when we were kids.

And this group especially intimidates me. Ben hung out with a very attractive crowd down at OSU (he's an attractive guy) and allthough I'm beginning to get used to the ugly-duckling-gets-the-prince (how's that for a mix of metaphors) thing... My fake confidence doesn't extend to situations like these. It's true, I am a very outgoing and energetic person--in my own crowds. Get me around 'the popular kids' and I shut down...it takes me back to high school and... well I'm far from wanting to go back. The problem is, no one ever seems to GET that. Often times, I've had friends who are surprised and angry when I'm self-conscious in a new situation like that, because they've never seen me act shy and think I am using it as an excuse to do something else, or trying to be a party-pooper.

But it's not th:at. I'm just honestly (and maybe secretly) terrified of being put in that position to feel like the fat girl, with everyone pointing and laughing. I've made a life for myself since high school--thanks to the unique culture at Cascade College--but outside of that little world, I'm like a fish out of water. Suddenly I'm not so funny, a lot quieter, a lot more clingy, and paranoid that everyone is talking about me when I walk by.

I know it's irational, but that doesn't change the fact that my heart dropped to my stomach when Ben told me it was a costume party.

Part of the problem too is that I didn't find out until THURSDAY and the party is tonight, and I have no money to go buy some premade costume that would make me feel better, so to top it all off, I'm supposed to come up with something out of my very limited wardrobe...and I honestly have NO idea what to do. I'm not exaggerating... I can't think of anything at all that I can make out of what I have, and we have to leave in 3 hours.

I guess the second big thing is that I'm just so incredibly tired. I've been fighting this stupid infection since I got strep a month ago, and allthough the swelling in my throat is starting to go down, the antibiotics that are causing the healing are really wearing on my energy levels. I've been going non-stop and unfortunately, I don't have any time to stop and just REST, especially these last two weeks. I work at 5:30 every morning (except Sunday) and that's made my sleep-average about 4.5 hours a night. That's actually not bad for me, I've done a week or so with a smaller average... but that's been my schedule since the second week of school when my job started, and after two months.... I gotta say that it's starting to break me down.

Last night at 9:30 Ben and I were at a different halloween party (like the social butterflies we are) and we were getting ready to leave (after I won a smashing game of Balderdasch in 3 rounds) and someone asked if we'd stay just another 15 minutes to watch a funny video. My breath caught and before I knew it, my eyes started tearing up. Isn't that ridiculous? I was so tired that the simple request for a few minutes overwhelmed me. Luckily, I found a reason to excuse myself to the kitchen to gather our things, and I cried there in the kitchen for a few minutes until I could get ahold of myself.

Granted, Yesterday was an emotional one for some other reasons as well.

I wish I could just go to bed and sleep until church tomorrow. Somehow sleep seems like the answer to everything. I'm hungry? Sleep. I'm stressed about my exam? Sleep. My toenails need to be painted? I need a costume for tonight? I'm running late for work? The dishes need to be done? I missed the greasepaint meeting? What to do?! Hmm... let's see.. Sleep?! Fortunately, I'm still just logical enough to know that none of those things will get done if I take a nap.

And here I am, spending a half-hour venting about something I can't change--since I've already agreed to go to the party--and I still have no idea what I'm going to wear that will not make me feel like hiding in a corner...

Freaking A! I'm crying again....

I wonder if midol works for sleep deprivation....

So... Ben and I are back from California.

I've had a lot of people ask me how the trip was and... I'm never quite sure how to answer. There's not really one word that describes it. I can't say: "It was good" because a large part of it was very sad, and I feel like it would minimize how difficult Saturday (going through my dad's stuff) was. But it also wasn't a 'bad' trip, wasn't 'too short', wasn't 'long'. Wasn't 'fun'.

I guess it was all of those things and more.

Ben and I got a late start on Friday night, partially beause Ben was repairing 'our' car (He owns it but he let it be all mine for the summer) so that we could actually make the trip down there. It felt all domestic and stuff to come out and bring him dinner while he had his dress shirt rolled up, grease up to his elbows replacing the radiator hoses. He's so competent in so many areas. He's full of surprises. Anyway, we didn't actually hit the road until (gasp) about 8pm, and it was a little dishearning to see the sun setting before we were even on the road, because I knew we had a very long drive ahead of us and it's not a very pretty one when it's pitch black. I was thinking Ben would sleep the whole time (he was up late working the night before and had worked all day) and I would just listen to the radio and make the familiar drive, but I was wrong. It's still surprising to me how easily and naturally our time goes. I never do any over-analyzing when he's around. With previous boyfriends, I've spent a good portion of the time I'm with them trying to posture myself, say the right things, respond affirmatively or negatively at the right times, smile, fix my hair, check my make up, etc. I didn't realize quite how much I'd done it before until I realized that I don't do it now. Funny how that works. Anyway, things were so smooth. We laughed and made ridiculously lame jokes that entertain us to this day, but also had some more serious conversation.

By the time we got to my parents home it was 4am, and we were exahusted, but I think we both knew that the time talking, laughing, singing, sharing... had been an important one for us.

Anyway, my parents both woke up to let us in but we weren't up for much conversation so we promised to catch up over breakfast in the morning and mom showed us to our rooms (rooms PLURAL. to clarify. Gossip hounds. ;-D) The next morning, mom made us a phenomenal breakfast and we took our time relaxing with the family. About noon we took off to meet my Auntie (my real dad's only sister) who drove us out to the property where the crime scene had been.

That was a crazy couple of hours and... at this point I'm still not ready to write much about it. Suffice it to say that it was much different than I expected. Also, that I was very blessed to have the quiet but strong support that I had. As independent as I like to think of myself as... I can say with certainty that I wouldn't have been able to handle the task alone. At the same time, I couldn't have handled it if the person with me rambled nervously or constantly inquired how I was doing. Ben was...great. He was quiet unless I spoke to him about something, but always within an arm's reach.

Arms I turned to more than I expected to have to.

Anyway, that's about all I'm gonna share about that at the moment, cause this blog is more about the happy parts of the weekend!

After all that, my Auntie gave me my birthday present (Cash money baby!) and demanded that I be frivolous with it. Ben, faithful boyfriend that he is, promised to make sure I wasted it. lol. So I dyed my hair red! Something I've been wanting to do for a while, and we picked up some disposable cameras so we could document the rest of the weekend.

^mom 'n' me^

Most of that afternoon was uneventful. My aunt interrogated Ben about his intentions, and once she was satisfied we went back to my folks house, expecting my step-dad to do the same. My mom dyed my hair (don't worry, you'll see pictures) and Ben hung out with my bro and Mike (my step dad) a bit. During dinner (which was when we expected Mike would want to have 'the talk' about giving us his blessing to date) they put on a MOVIE and turned off all the lights. Typical Robinson fashion. lol. So Ben, never easily deterred, managed to initiate a conversation during a lull in the movie when us 'women-folk' were gathering the dishes. From what I gathered it was about a 45 second conversation but Ben made his commitment and Dad gave his consent.

Only men could condense that to less than a minute. lol.

Anyway, then we went out to play pool with my oldest friend Alyssa Belle and her boyfriend Billy. That was a very fun, very eventful night!! lol. It was such a blast.

haha. I miss them already.

Anyway, the next day we went to church and then we went out to In 'n' Out (cause you HAVE to go when you're in cali) and then went out to see the Sundial Pedestrian Bridge which is one of redding's huge tourist attractions.

If you don't know about it... you pretty much suck at life. Go read about it. Google it or something. Seriously. It's amazing.

Anyway, Ben's an engineer with a special passion for Bridges (as you'll know if you check out his myspace) and it dawned on me that he just HAD to see the Sundial Bridge. When I mentioned it he looked like he would pass out from Joy. Apparantly it was on his 'to do in life' list to see that bridge (he heard about it in his engineering courses) but he didn't know it was in Redding. So we went out there and spent a couple hours, and a billion pictures. It was an absolutely perfect ending to our time in Cali. He ooohed and ahhhed about the structural engineering behind the bridge and I was so excited to be learning so much more than I ever knew about the bridge that I already loved. We sat in the park there and had our lunch and enjoyed having NO scehdule and no obligations for the first time since we'd left Woodburn.

And then we made the very long trip back here but before we could go home to our beds, I had to make a stop at Wal-mart and drop off the film.

We finally said a very exahsuted goodbye around 10pm.

^Ben's ridiculous 'Please let me go home and go to BED' face^

And I guess... that was our trip!

Currently Listening Blower's Daughter By Damien Rice see related

Nostalgic thoughts.

I don't know why but... I felt the need to write you.

To be honest... it could be one of a million reasons.

Because you're name popped into my head
Because for a reason with no evidence...I think you might understand
Because I know for sure that no one else would
Because you seem... deep. Because for some reason I feel like you might take me seriously, instead of making it less...or more than it is.

I don't know what I expect from you.
I don't want you to fix my problem. You say people always come to you with their problems, but I always wondered why.
You always want to fix them. You want to say the logical course of action and have the conversation be over with.
I'm not looking for that
I think I'd scream, throw up, punch something if that happened.
And that's why I probably won't send this.

Because I'm afraid you'll turn out to be just like the rest
And I need to believe that someone out there understands me
Someone tangible. Someone I can touch, see, smell. Someone who could hold me.

I know what you'd say.

"Pray about it"

But that seems so useless. I know what I'm crying out for. What I can't stop thinking is... missing.

Stability. Aceptance. Permanence. Unconditional affection. Commitment

Not romantic. But real.

I think a lot of people take those things for granted.

If I ever felt unconditionally accepted, if I ever felt like I had a home, a family, that would be there until the day I die, who  wanted to know me, who wanted to watch me grow, who made me a priority, If I ever had that... I can't remember what it felt like. And I'm trying so hard to remember. I think that's why I keep latching on to people. Why I'm always trying to make new friends. Why I'm always trying to make someone fall in love with me. Why I'm so clingy.

And how can I find stability in something invisible. Something none of my physical senses can sense? It's not that I don't believe in God, but God takes a constant effort on my part. I have to consistently be convincing myself that I should believe in something that's not 'real'.

There's no stability in that.

At times I feel like a crazy person. Stopping in the middle of a prayer to talk myself back into my belief. Feeling guilty for my doubt, but unable to find a way to erase it long-term.

Can that be the closest thing to permanancy I can find? I'm always moving. I'm always surropunded by people, and I know they love me, and I know they mean well, but they're always a flash in the pan. They never stay. Or I have to leave.

It's funny. I've always lived my life one whim at a time. Ever-flexible. Ever spontaneous. Always able to adjust to a change in plans, a change in direction. Prided myself and been complimented on my ability to adapt.

And now? I feel this overwhelming urge to drop everything. My job. School. My friends from Cascade, my friends from Redding, my family, and hide somewhere. Maybe with the woodburn family. Because they say they'll always love me. But how can I trust myself that it will last? They have no obligation to me. Bill and Emy didn't bring me into this world. They have no commitment to me. There's no security without commitment.

I think that's why I've talked myself into being romantically interested in you. Because I care about you so much, and I'm trying to secure you. Because I'm terrified, realistic, because I know that you don't have a commitment to me. An obligation. Because I know that you're another name to add to the list of people I loved. Because you're another flash in the pan.

It's a cruel game I play with myself. I throw myself into connection with people, open my heart to them and ask them to open theirs... I love them. My friends,  my acquaitneces, my teachers, my church family. Because loving someone is the only way I'll ever get them to see the value in me, to commit to me, to stay.

But not everyone can stay. It would be so much safer if I kept them at a distance. But people don't stay if you keep your walls up. People don't make a commitment to someone they don't know. To someone they don't love.

I feel so alone. I'm afraid to get close to anyone because in all reality, with the drama and the hope and the pessimism gone, objectively, the chances are so small they'll be in my life for any real amount of time. But I keep trusting. I keep connecting. I'm an addict. It's like someone who knows full and well that there is absolutely no sense to continuing a drug habit... but doesn't think about any of that when the drug of choice is placed in front of them.

When I met you, I told myself I needed to stay away.

But I forgot a lot. When I found myself in a conversation with you, when we were laughing, crying, connecting, none of the realitty of it came to mind. I didn't think 'you're bonding with someone you'll eventually have to say goodbye to. It's unnecessary heartbreak'. Because I don't think about it. Because I get caught up in something I love---making friends--- and throw caution to the wind.

It's so stupid.

It's so ridiculously stupid.

The odds are overwhelming! How many people do I even talk to once a WEEK that I've known more than 5 years? no one.

So maybe I'm only missing you so much because I'm afraid--because I know that I'm losing you. With every day that passes, we are one day closer to the day when the jokes about being married, the mischevious looks and akward games and quiet talks on your parent's couch...one day closer to when all of that is just a nostalgic memory to laugh about over a chance--and infrequent--encounter.

And I have enough of those.

                    

Nothing to offer but my mistakes.